Tag: struggling

This is for the lonely

This is for the lonely

Have you ever felt alone? Have you ever felt like you were somehow the only one dealing with an issue that seemed to be the easiest for everyone else? Do you sometimes feel that there is no one to really talk to? I have felt that way about eight years ago.

I was in the beginnning of my twenties, so it seemed to be inappropriate to feel this way. I was depressed. I thought my life did not make any sense. Why would I feel that way when I was so young? I could not tell anyone. People would tell me that my life just started, and I should be happy and enthusiastic. That was the main reason, I have never told anyone. The other reason was that I noticed that every one was dealing with their own problems, and I did not want to bother them with one of mine.

I can only guess how hard it must have been for Demi Lovato writing and singing a song about her alcohol problem. Every time I listen to Sober, tears come to my eyes. I wish I could hug her, show her somehow that she is not alone. I wish I could show her that she is strong enough to overcome this. I believe in her, and I hope she does, too.

She probably knows that she is not actually alone, like I knew that I had my family and friends back then. Maybe I could have told them, but I was not brave enough like Demi. Instead, I pretended to be happy. I was acting, just for others as I did not want them to worry about me. Like I said, I knew they were dealing with their own problems, and I never wanted to be a problem for anyone.

These days I sometimes still feel lonely, but it is okay, because I know I can talk about it. I do want to know when my friends and family are having problems, issues or anxieties. I love to help and be there for them. Maybe it was because of watching the CBS comedy Mom that made me realize how important it is to talk about a personal issue.

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We are in this together. There might be people who cannot understand it, but some people can. And maybe there are many like me, who felt being unable to cope with the working world right after graduation. Maybe there are other people who also feel that school did not prepare them for the working life. It is hard to explain. I feared that I was failing, unable to deal with anything. Sounds like no big deal, especially when thinking about it several years later.

Everything seemed to be easy for everyone, and all I could see were my own mistakes, as that seemed to be the only thing I was good at: making mistakes. Nowadays, I accept my insecurities, and mental issues. I can see that others have the same or different ones, and so it is okay that I have mine. I have not started drinking alcohol like Demi, but I was mad at myself way too often.

It is hard to open up and there is another song that is exactly about what is on my mind and how I often feel. River by Josh Groban.

I thank Demi and Josh for these beautifully moving songs, and their strenght to sing about something that is also a part of us. It might not be the best part, but it is important to talk about it. Opening up is the first step of recovery and feeling better some day. Maybe there are other people who can relate to the same issues and feelings. They listen to the song, read or listen to these words, and that might make them feel understood and less alone.

Only when I shut myself away, I am actually lonely.

Have you ever felt lonely? What do you do? Do you talk about it? Please leave me a comment.

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Thank you for reading.

If you liked that post, please show me and click the button below. I would also love to read your thoughts in the comment section. Always feel free to share my posts with your friends on Social Media. You can also find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Please also follow my page, directly on WordPress or via Email. Thank you. XO Sanny

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You will never guess my greatest anxieties

You will never guess my greatest anxieties

Some are afraid of spiders or bugs, others of heights, or anything else. I am not a fan of any of those. However, there are ten things I am anxious about, and I am quite sure, you would have never guessed or maybe even thought about these. What shall I say, I am different, and unfortunately most times most people don’t understand me.

If you read my older post, you might remember that trusting people is not that easy for me. It is not only that I am afraid of them to hurt me sooner or later in which way ever, but also that I am anxious to bother, or bore them. I do not feel that I have much to say or that any interesting thing is happening in my life. I am really the worst in chit- chatting.

I am anxious being a waste of time for someone else.

I love spending time with my friends, those who I trust and know they spend time with me because they really want to. I love to entertain them, I love to tell them stories. I have always loved to listen to my friends, hear what they liked, mixed these things and created a story. Every night I was lying in bed, and when I was satisfied with my bed time story, I had something to tell the other day. I knew they would love that, and I enjoyed that people were finally listening to me, and I could put a smile on their faces.

But somehow I am anxious that they think I just love to create things in my head, instead of enjoying my actual life.

How much of me is actually me? What if I am a mixture of how I think others want me to be? When I was a teenager, I tried to fit in. I wanted to be part of a group. By listening to others and hearing what they liked, I started being interested in the same things. I wanted them to accept me, to welcome me in their group. I was afraid to tell my actual opinion on anything, when I had no clue how the other person would react to it.

I feel anxious about not being loved by others for being myself.

I love to dream, and I love to dream big. But I am constantly anxious about being judged for that. Other people have different ideas of their future. They can be happy with simple things, or just don’t aim that high. For example, I want to do a job not only for the money. I want to do something that makes me get a result and that is appreciated by others. Certainly everyone wants that, but as money is important for making a living, others seem to have less issues making compromises.

I am anxious about being unable to be truly happy with my life, and that I always want more and something better and different.

As I often have no idea what interestingly to say, I prefer listening. It is no greater joy trying to understand others and see the world through their eyes. I enjoyed the challenge even more to create a story of everything they told me they liked.

Just sometimes I am anxious to get lost in my stories and forget about myself.

When I started working at my first job, I was anxious I could not do it right. My co-workers might make fun of me, because I could not understand the simplest things – that’s what I thought very often back then.

Still when I try something for the first time, I am afraid of failing. And I am anxious others will point fingers at me for being unable doing something that is easy for everyone but me.

I stopped telling stories when I started working. People around me were telling me that being creative was solely for kids. I would not make money with it, which I was told, was the most important thing to make a decent living. By giving up on writing, I gave up a part of me, one that I actually liked and knew that was me. I love to see my friends happy, to give them something back as a thank you for spending time with me.

Just sometimes I am anxious about showing too less gratitude, and appreciation for those I care about and love the most.

I constantly strive for more. I want to improve, learn, grow, become a better version of myself. Every day is filled with so many new possibilities, and I am anxious of missing out on too many of them. Often I find myself procrastinating things that I wanna do so bad, and then I hate myself for wasting another day doing something else instead. I have so many ideas in my head, and I wish I could do them all at once.

I am anxious to waste too much time on unnecessary or less important things instead of focusing what I really need to be happy.

When I let new people into my lives, I fear I might disappoint them. I fear that I cannot show them how much they matter to me. What if I think someone can change my life and I will be disappointed because no one can change my life but myself? Do I want a change? What if I always wanted something else, and will never be satisfied and happy?

Sometimes I even fear that my fears are ridiculous, and incomprehensible.

However my greatest fear is that I will lose the people I love and miss the opportunities to show them how important they are to me, or show them too less how much I care. I am anxious that I waste too much time overthinking my anxieties and insecurities.

What are your anxieties? Can you relate to mine? Please leave me a comment.

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Thank you for reading.

If you liked that post, please show me and click the button below. I would also love to read your thoughts in the comment section. Always feel free to share my posts with your friends on Social Media. You can also find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Please also follow my page, directly on WordPress or via Email. Thank you. XO Sanny

When I was gone

When I was gone

As a kid I was free, unknowing of what lies ahead, and unaware of all the possible consequences. As a kid my mind was free. I just did what I wanted to do. But things changed as I grew up. I learned to listen to others, to think carefully which words to use and only to speak when I was asked. I knew that it wasn’t only about me all the time. So I started to please everyone by listening to them and only contributing to a discussion when no one else was talking and it felt okay to me that maybe the others in the group would be interested in hearing my thoughts.

Often enough it was quite hard being completely sure whether someone wanted to know more about me or if she was just acting politely. I knew other kids were told the same: be nice to everyone, don’t say anything they might get wrong. Of course kids simply tell their opinions, no matter what. Kids are honest. Adults are not.

Sometimes the feel ashamed for not knowing something
Lying is a bad thing

My parents told me truth is important. But the older I got, the more I learned that it is okay to lie now and then. It is even necessary when the truth would hurt the other person. But if I get a gift which I don’t like, will I be supposed to tell that I like it? Wouldn’t that lead me to get more such kind of presents because the gift giver wants to make me happy and thinks I like it? I don’t get that. It’s not logical to me. And logic has always been my most honest friend I could rely on.

I am way more comfortable when it comes to facts, rational things simply make sense. Emotions often confuse me. They don’t follow any logic scheme. The same situation with different people leads to totally contradictory directions. When a train leaves the same station, it goes steadily to the next. It is always the same. But with people it’s the opposite. A simple smile can have so many meanings depending on the person’s mood and the situation. Is she smiling because I make her laugh, because she spends time with me, or just because she wants to be nice?

Emotions puzzle me

Every person has feelings, but everything I don’t fully understand frightens me in some way. I am curious; I love to learn about physics, chemistry, medicine, all the planets, etc. I’m maybe unable to keep all information straightly in my head, but I am fascinated about figuring out why I have the ability to walk, or how gravity works on me. I really don’t care about who’s dating who, or who moved in next door. I actually feel weak when I have to cry, and even more when it doesn’t make sense to me like when I’m watching a movie, or when I feel the world is crashing all over me.

Other people seem to have no issues, not with life, not with taking decisions or dealing with emotions. But I do. After just turning 29 and being in my last year of my twenties that is often referred to as the ‘best decade’ I focus even more on my inner child. I want to be honest. I do think of others and don’t want to hurt them, but now I think I matter too. And so does my opinion. I don’t want to hear what others think only to be able to join their opinion instead of hurting anyone in case of disagreement. I don’t want to justify my thoughts, my love, and my life. I think it’s positive that we are all so different, but only when these variations are allowed to evolve.

Seeking acceptance

I want to live fully and enjoy being meI spent most of my twenties being insecure. Back when I had my first job, I felt I had no idea of what I was doing. After school it felt like a whole new world started; taxes, bills, various forms and applications kind of stressed me out. Life was less complicated as a kid, and I didn’t feel ready for this new chapter. Why do I have to grow up? As a kid even the age of 15 felt super old and I was sure I won’t ever get there. And here I am, almost doubled that amount of years. Days, weeks, years passed by so quickly when time as a kid felt like infinity. 

I’m still young and I don’t want to waste much more time on being insecure. I want to free my mind, think less about time, focus more on the good things, and believe in open-minded and honest people. I want to inhale every moment, do what I want to do when I want to do it and be simply me. All the time I was seeking acceptance by others, because I felt so different, because I thought only I had issues and struggled with everything. I was able to see only the bad sides of me, I thought no one would actually care about me, that they’re all fooling and hurting and leaving me sooner or later anyway.

I love to spend time with my friends but it’s hard for me to open up. Like I mentioned, feelings puzzle me. Talking about this doesn’t make sense to me, but it feels good. There might be no one to read this, but writing helps me sorting my mind and don’t feel to bother anyone by forcing her to listen to me only because she was taught to be nice. I am now accepting who I am. I like what I like and I say that, and I am honest when I don’t like it without being impolite, I respect others but want to be respected by them too. Life isn’t only the icing of the cupcake, but it’s beautiful, precious and unique as long as I allow myself to live freely me.