Category: being me

Please let me be happy too

Please let me be happy too

Imagine you see two people holding hands. Beautiful, isn’t it? Imagine they would look at each other intensively, smile and kiss. What do you think? Is this love?

Couple silhouette

Now imagine one of them was you. The other one was your partner, your soul mate, your best friend.

For simplicity, I refer to a male partner here. When you are into girls, just replace the pronouns in your head accordingly.

Imagine there is just you and him. How do you feel? Happy? Fulfilled? Do you feel like you are the luckiest person on the entire planet? You want to share this awesome news. You found love, and he loves you back. Winning the lottery is nothing compared to finding true love. You want to go to the movies with him, get to know him better at dinner, and you want to show everyone how happy you are. You cannot believe that you are sweeping off your feet. Before you met him, you did not even know that you could feel this way.

Now imagine someone you have never met before comes to you, telling you that you were making a huge mistake. He is telling you, your partner was wrong for you. What do you say? “What makes you think that? Does he hurt me? You know neither him nor me. And besides, it is none of your business.”

He might say he feels offended by your behavior. Will you tell him, that you are offended by his? He continues to say that you are wrong, that what you feel is not real, that this is no true love. You ask: “Do you want me to judge you for how you love? Do you want me to tell you how you can be happy? I dare to assume, you do not.”

Cats do not know any gender differences We make the differences between man and woman easy to notice. Cats and other animals don’t show their gender obviously.

Imagine you live in a beautiful house, and other people keep trying to come in, trying to drag you out. “You live in the wrong house”, they say. “But this is my home”, you answer. “This is where I am happy. This is my place to be. I am not hurting anyone by living here.” However, the other people are more than just one person, so they manage sooner or later that you leave. You live in another house now, but you miss your home. Home is where your heart is. Have you ever heard that? I am here, but my heart is over there. It is still in the other house.

Home is not a building. It is a feeling.

Why do people think they know me better than I know myself? Why do they keep telling me what is the only way to be happy, how I can be happy? We are all different. Imagine a world full of yous. There was no room for your partner. He would not exist in this world, because he is not you. Would you be happy? Some like dogs, and some like cats. Some prefer the beach and some the forest. Some love sunshine, and some the rain. There is nothing wrong loving any of these.

The man I love probably does not make you happy. But what if I would tell you, that you are loving wrong? Do you want to hear that? And do not say that it is different. Do you think you are better than me? You pretend to be interested in my happiness, when you are only interested in your own. I might be the tiny black spot that sticks out on your white paper of harmony. When you love cooking, do it. When you love singing, do it. When you love sports, go for it. Do what makes you happy. I might like different things, but that does not make me a bad person.

I hope we agree that when two people holding hands, looking at each other, smiling, and kissing, that this is love. You do not need any further details, do you? One might be white, and the other black. One might be a Jew, and the other a Christian. Maybe it was two men, or two women, or a man and a woman. Details seem to divide us, but on the inside, we are all the same. Look at these x-rays. You can say it is a human being. That is all that matters.

Being a human is the only info that matters Is this a man or a woman? Does the gender make a difference?

Yes, I do love a man. Even if I was a man or said I loved a woman, this should not make any difference. Do you want me to become a man? Should he become a woman? Would that make you feel better? Would that make you happy? Do not pretend to know me. Love equally also means that I love myself as well. It can be hard sometimes listening to the one voice within me, when too many others on the outside make such a noise. What matters is the only voice that actually knows me. I listen to my heart. And guess what: it knows what makes me happy. Happiness is a feeling. You do not learn it. You feel it. How can anyone think I do not deserve happiness? Why can other people be happy, but not me?

The other people have more voices than my heart, as I only have one, but it’s the only one that truly counts. How can it make others happy, if I was with someone they want me to be? Have you ever experienced love? Do you know how it feels? Or have you just learned the definition? I am not you, and you are not me. I do not know what makes you happy. You do not know what makes me happy. Why can you not be happy for me?

When someone tries to tell you that you are loving wrong, tell them the only wrong way to do is to not love at all. Tell this person: I know we are different. Unlike you, I would never tell anyone how to love. You think it makes you happy, when you would see me with someone else, but you do not. You do not care. You have focused on the details that you have learned. My definition is to follow my heart. I love being happy, and I do not allow you, a random stranger, to take this feeling away from me. Stealing is bad. Judging is too – unless you work and are in a court while judging.

Your heart is important! Listen and follow it! What matters is what’s inside (you:) your heart!

I love myself. And I allow myself to love who makes me happy, not who others think make me happy. He is my heart, he is my home, he is my happy place. I do not know you, but I know two things: you learned about love and follow that definition like it was a math equation with only one right solution. You like different things than I do, but on the inside we are the same. I dare to say that you want to be loved; truly, madly, deeply. I dare to say you want to be happy. Please let me be happy, too.

How does it feel to be less alone?

How does it feel to be less alone?

What seems so easy for everyone, is not that for me. At least it seems to me, that finding friends and trusting others is the easiest thing for everyone but me. I have no idea if it is caused by being bullied once. This was 15 years ago, and I thought I left that in my past. However, what if my past tries to catch me? What if I tried to outrun it but I cannot do that? I try to pretend that I am okay. Work distracts me, writing helps. But nothing can answer me that one question: how does it feel to be less alone?

I felt weak, a failure when I could not hide my tears any longer. I thought that I was too stupid dealing with my own stupid problem which is not even an actual one. I mean, my friends come to me with different problems, so I cannot be another one for them, can I? I do not want to lose them. I love to help, give them advice, and I hate myself when I even fail at that. At least I can listen, I can try to understand and I want to understand. I want to understand it all, but more and more often I can’t. I fail. 

Trying to hide tears
I feel like being trapped, living not in the same world as the others.

It’s not only my friends and family. I am also concerned about the future. Will I be even more alone? Or actually alone, this is not what it feels like? I love Germany and I love the US. Both are countries I feel strongly connected, but somehow, they feel to change these days. I see more and more hate. I see people who share their opinions and feel attacked when someone does not agree with them. What happened to listening? What happened to understanding? It feels that people focus more on their differences, than on their similarities. I am more than how I look, or better said, how people see me. I can smile and cry inside. I can pretend to see the sunshine, and let nobody know that I am wrapped in dark clouds that block every light. I feel like a blind woman, trying to see the world the way others do. I fail, but I don’t want to show it.

I have never been a big talker, even less about emotions. When I was bullied in school, I heard the respective parents laughing, and later accusing me how I dare to say their little angles would hurt me. My teachers told me I was making that all up in my head. It is all in my head. I am the problem. One lesson I learned in school. One day, I refused going. I cried until there was no tear left to cry. I wanted to continue, but I felt like dried out inside. Another thing I cannot do. I felt weak. I failed once again. My parents were there to help, but I felt bad. I knew they had their own problems with work and with my brother, who has Aspergers and can express even less what is going on in his mind. 

I felt that after I had overcome this, and everyone at school pretended it never happened and we had always been best friends all the time, I felt stronger. I knew I survived this, and I can survive everything, even though I never had a deadly disease or anything. I learned when there are no visible scars, when people don’t see anything, they do not believe there is or was anything. I learned that when I was talking to my friends, that most of them only shruck their shoulders and told me about their problems. That is the reason why I barely talk about my issues, or insecurities. Honestly, there are only three friends I can talk to every now and then, and I am glad they are there for me. Sometimes I just wish they were here instead of there. I sometimes wonder what it’s like to have a group of friends and spend time with them at least once a month, but I guess that’s only a thing on TV.

Feeling lost
I feel lost in the big rush around me.
I want to protect myself. I fear that people sooner or later will hurt me, point their fingers at me, play nice until they have something to use against me. Why is it hard for me to trust others? I kept telling me I do not need anyone. The less people are in my life, the less can hurt me. The older I get, I see my friends all having partners. I see them happy, which makes me happy, too. Then I sometimes wonder how it’s like to be not alone. How is it to trust someone entirely? How can I learn that there are people who love me without having any bad intentions? Will I ever get rid of these negative thoughts?

I mean, I have friends for more than 10 years. I have a friend who is like my sister. We grew up together, knowing each other for more than 23 years. I know all of them had been strangers once. I know they would never hurt me. I love them. I care about them. My friends are part of my family. Sometimes I just wonder if I am not too much of a burden. I cannot do anything special, I am not outstanding at anything. I often feel to have a boring life, too boring to talk about it. This leads me to never having much to talk about. I do not want to complain. I want to be positive. Writing here is easier, because I am not forcing anyone to listen. Anyone can stop reading at any time, and don’t have to say anything. I can think about my words more precisely and don’t feel any judgemental eyes on me. 

Words can cut like knife, they just do not create scars for everyone to see. 

I want to be me. I want to push the clouds away. I enjoy spending time with my friends. I love to travel. I love to write. I love to read. I love music, and theater. I am just so different compared to my friends. Most of them like simply entirely different things, which is good so I constantly learn something new. And I love learning. I want to learn to love more. Why do I expect somehow that others might hurt me? I do not know them. I do not want to be judged, so I want to stop prejudging others. How do I learn to give them a chance? Why is this easier online? Social Media helps me to open up. I do want to be strong. 

Is asking for help really a weakness? Is showing emotions a weakness? How can I allow myself to love me more? How can I accept that others can love me for being me? How do I stop failing at being truly happy? How does it feel to be less alone? 

Why is time passing by so fast and how can I deal with it better?

Why is time passing by so fast and how can I deal with it better?

I cannot feel, see, hear, or smell it, and yet I know I am somehow wrapped in it. It is a precious gift, which gives me so many opportunities. Yet, it is scary because the older I get, the more it seems to accelerate. I know, I only have a limited amount of it. However, I spent a lot of it procrastinating and waiting. Why? Continue reading “Why is time passing by so fast and how can I deal with it better?”

More love and understanding — How the Boys in the Band made me see myself more clearly

More love and understanding — How the Boys in the Band made me see myself more clearly

Have you ever felt different? I definitely have. When I was a teenager, I listened to my friends. I figured out what they loved, only to be able to tell them I’d love the same. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be part of a group. I learned very quickly that whenever I was alone, I became a target. I felt so vulnerable that I preferred to hide. No one saw me, and for some reason, I felt protected around the other guys. However, I thought they were unable to love me for who I really was. I stayed in my little shell. I was 19 when I felt like my existence would not matter. It took me four more years to realize that the issue was not the others.

Continue reading “More love and understanding — How the Boys in the Band made me see myself more clearly”