From living to existing

Have you ever felt like no one loves you, no one cares about you? I have been depressed a couple years ago. I know many people who were or still are. Mental health is so important, and yet more and more people suffer from it. I wrote this short story to raise awareness. If you are depressed, reach out to someone. If you know someone who is depressed, talk to him or her. A person who sees and tries to understand them, is the best help. Don’t look away.

There is this emptiness within me. I feel lost. Like floating in space. No where to go, and no where to be. I don’t know when and how it started. It feels like it had never been different. My friends have lives. They have partners. They get married. I am happy for them. Am I? Why can I not have that? My friends turn away from me after they found their partners. I can call. No answer. I can write. I might get a reply after some weeks or months, if I was lucky. “Sorry, I am so busy, with work, the house, the kids, my love life isn’t what it used to be.”

Why do people love to hate, and only care about themselves? Whenever I watch the news it’s either about a man taking the life of his wife, because she was “not perfect enough” for him. Or it’s about another shooting at a school. A doctor who treats patients without having a PhD or prescribing the wrong medicine. Politicians who lie for votes, and do everything to get the most money for themselves. Celebrities who think they can buy everything, like eternal youth or a place for their kids at an elite university.

Some people get a thousand likes on Instagram, I only get about five. Probably not even they really like what I share. They do it because they want me to like their pictures. Why am I not lovable? I look into the mirror and see this fat, ugly mess. It’s like I was wearing a Halloween costume the whole year. Well, better than this kitsch Valentine’s Day. That’s just a punch in the face every year.

Broken heart

People only come to me when there is no other option. When no one else has time, they need money or someone to drive them around. I am good enough then. I am not even supposed to complain. I don’t have problems, they tell me. My only problem is that I make problems. As if I could stop people from hating me. I wish I was happy. I wish I could be. How can I, when people only use people for their own good? How can I live in a world, where people point fingers at me, laugh at me because I am not like most people?

Nobody understands me. I am all alone. That will never change. If I was gone, probably no one would notice. Who cares about me? Who? There is not a single person out there. I am shit. How do I make this up, when people don’t wanna spend time with me? When they never write me. Never call. Never say: “hey, let’s meet again.” All I hear is nothing, or that they are busy, because they have a life.

I don’t wanna get married. I don’t wanna pretend to be happy only that he is pleased. I don’t wanna be how others want me to be. I don’t need anyone. They will hurt me sooner or later. They will leave me, ignore me, forget me. I am not special. My only talent is being a burden to everyone. I am alone. Floating in cold darkness. Friends. What is that? Family who tell me I should stop painting the world all black. Why can’t they see the truth? People are devils.

I am glad I will never have kids. I will protect them from this evil. I will no longer trust anyone. The more I read in the news, or on Social Media, the more certain I become to not talking to anyone anymore. No, I am not happy for them. I can’t be. I just can’t be happy. They aren’t either. They are lying to themselves. One day they will learn the truth. Happiness is a lie. I just hope one day I will be released from this nightmare. Maybe I will just go to sleep, which is something that everyone does alone. Then my actual life will finally start.

Tears in eyes

Thank you for reading my short story. I tried to put in words how I felt a few years back. I did not talk much to people, because of their reactions which were mostly like: “it’s just in your head. Think positive.” That did not help, but made me feel even more alone. If you can relate to my short story, and want to talk about it but not in the comments, you can also send me a message. Reach out to someone you trust. Talking about it is important, because you are not alone. You can also talk anonymously to someone. The truth is: there are many people out there who feel like that. They all feel misunderstood and keep their feelings bottled up. Doing this will only make it worse.

In my next blog post, I always publish Thursday’s, I will write about how I found my so called “happy places”.

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Thank you for reading.

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Published by Sanny Spear

I'm a writer with a bachelor's degree in PR, Communication and Media Management. I love creating my own stories, and sharing my thoughts on my Wordpress. Writing is a continuous journey, which I enjoy as much as traveling, seeing different places and getting in touch with people all over the world.

5 thoughts on “From living to existing

  1. I know i understand what you wrote about ..it is hard 😔😔but hope is everything u have 🤗

    1. Yes, hope is the last thing to give up. Thinking back I was isolating myself from each and everyone, which made my feeling even worse. I was so anxious about them not liking me for who I was. All that hiding and pretending made me feel even lonelier. Be who you are. Love yourself for who you are. Be proud of who you are. Then you will find people who truly love you, and those are the ones who matter ❤️

  2. It’s very relatable…and so true!!!!I don’t have many friends other than my sis with whom I can share it.

    1. Well, you have a sister who will always be there for you. Appreciate those in your life who care about you. There might be more out there than you think, most of them just haven’t got in touch with you yet. Think of the Young Sheldon season finale. Some people are out there waiting for you, and one day you will cheer each other up, support each other. They will become family. It’s not about the amount of people but their honesty and loyalty. Focus on those who truly love you for who you are ❤️

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