They say: “life is dead easy”. Wait, what? Life is dead? Isn’t it quite the opposite? Okay, everyone is doing it, or has to do it. But does this indicate it’s simple? That there is no room for insecurities, or anxieties? One of my former teachers, back when I went to school, kept saying that life is a slow process of dying. But I never considered life to be actually this black – at least not most of the time. Certainly among all the decisions I have to take during my life, I wasn’t able to chose if I really want to live. Have I even been ready for the world after only nine months of existence?
It was hard for me to become a teenager, but it was even more difficult to become an adult. I thought of Hansel and Gretel and how they must have felt to be left behind in the woods. When the trees turn into scary gestalts, like if they are judging me, waiting for me to do something wrong. I remember how green and beautiful these trees had been when I held my parents’ hands as kid, and how much everything seems to be different now. Or did I enter a parallel universe?
School was tough, but it is nothing compared to adult life. Grown ups deal with different problems, and these let me think of how small my problems as teenager were. Not having a date or a boyfriend when all my friends were in relationships was sometimes indeed frustrating. But not having enough money to pay bills, that’s an actual problem. Who cares how many friends my friends have? Or how many dates? I compared myself to others all the time. I got so lost in it, I forgot completely about my own life. They got a new job – yay. My best friend married and became a Mom – so happy for her. But the happier I was for my friends, the less happy I was about my life.
I had a job, nice colleagues, good payment. But I knew that I was capable of more. I always wanted to go to college, and when I had the money to afford going, I seriously had the best time ever. I’m no party goer, don’t drink much alcohol. But like a vampire needs blood, I need to expand my knowledge. Many things changed since I had been a child, but I never let my curiosity degrease. There is so much to understand in this world, and that’s one reason I love physics so much – I just can’t do the maths, numbers are like the freaky forest trees to me. Yet I know that I do not know anything compared to what I could know. But this won’t stop me from learning.
Life is not dead easy. It’s full of contradictions. It’s complicated, it’s complex, and though everyone lives, doesn’t mean everyone is actually living. I talked to my friend and she said as much as she loves her daughter, sometimes she thinks back to the times when she wasn’t a Mom: “You might not be alone anymore but it’s easier when you only have to take care of yourself.” I’ve learned that everyone struggles sometimes. Just no one wants to show it. The easier a life looks like to someone else, the harder it is for that person to pretend everything’s just perfect. It’s like singing, dancing, acting or writing. It seems to be so simple, seems that everyone can do it, but the closer you look, the more imposters you’ll see.
No one asked me if I wanted to live, if I want to live right now and if I am ready to be at this point of my life. But I can decide how to spend it. Sometimes I feel like a needle in the haystack – no one would ever notice me. But I don’t want to hide in there anymore, I want to prick the one who lies in the hay, show that I am alive. To me, life is the ocean, and as a child I had been on the boat with my parents, guiding me the way for so long. They showed me the sun, the moon and the stars, the fishes and Dolphins. But now they can’t protect me any longer from all the storms and sea monsters that are also out there. I am working on creating my own boat. Sometimes the waves try to tear me down. They are like a giant rock tied around my waist wanting me to drown. But I won’t let that happen. Because I choose to not only exist, but to live.
I don’t want to be any longer afraid of…
- Being me.
- Being confident.
- Being judged by everyone.
- Being afraid.
I know that it’s good to have some fears and anxieties. In life it’s more important how I will deal with them. I definitely am now at the point where I am happy being me. I know my flaws, but I also know my abilities. I did not choose who to be, but I chose who I am.