This is for the lonely

This is for the lonely

Have you ever felt alone? Have you ever felt like you were somehow the only one dealing with an issue that seemed to be the easiest for everyone else? Do you sometimes feel that there is no one to really talk to? I have felt that way about eight years ago.

I was in the beginnning of my twenties, so it seemed to be inappropriate to feel this way. I was depressed. I thought my life did not make any sense. Why would I feel that way when I was so young? I could not tell anyone. People would tell me that my life just started, and I should be happy and enthusiastic. That was the main reason, I have never told anyone. The other reason was that I noticed that every one was dealing with their own problems, and I did not want to bother them with one of mine.

I can only guess how hard it must have been for Demi Lovato writing and singing a song about her alcohol problem. Every time I listen to Sober, tears come to my eyes. I wish I could hug her, show her somehow that she is not alone. I wish I could show her that she is strong enough to overcome this. I believe in her, and I hope she does, too.

She probably knows that she is not actually alone, like I knew that I had my family and friends back then. Maybe I could have told them, but I was not brave enough like Demi. Instead, I pretended to be happy. I was acting, just for others as I did not want them to worry about me. Like I said, I knew they were dealing with their own problems, and I never wanted to be a problem for anyone.

These days I sometimes still feel lonely, but it is okay, because I know I can talk about it. I do want to know when my friends and family are having problems, issues or anxieties. I love to help and be there for them. Maybe it was because of watching the CBS comedy Mom that made me realize how important it is to talk about a personal issue.

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We are in this together. There might be people who cannot understand it, but some people can. And maybe there are many like me, who felt being unable to cope with the working world right after graduation. Maybe there are other people who also feel that school did not prepare them for the working life. It is hard to explain. I feared that I was failing, unable to deal with anything. Sounds like no big deal, especially when thinking about it several years later.

Everything seemed to be easy for everyone, and all I could see were my own mistakes, as that seemed to be the only thing I was good at: making mistakes. Nowadays, I accept my insecurities, and mental issues. I can see that others have the same or different ones, and so it is okay that I have mine. I have not started drinking alcohol like Demi, but I was mad at myself way too often.

It is hard to open up and there is another song that is exactly about what is on my mind and how I often feel. River by Josh Groban.

I thank Demi and Josh for these beautifully moving songs, and their strenght to sing about something that is also a part of us. It might not be the best part, but it is important to talk about it. Opening up is the first step of recovery and feeling better some day. Maybe there are other people who can relate to the same issues and feelings. They listen to the song, read or listen to these words, and that might make them feel understood and less alone.

Only when I shut myself away, I am actually lonely.

Have you ever felt lonely? What do you do? Do you talk about it? Please leave me a comment.

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Thank you for reading.

If you liked that post, please show me and click the button below. I would also love to read your thoughts in the comment section. Always feel free to share my posts with your friends on Social Media. You can also find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Please also follow my page, directly on WordPress or via Email. Thank you. XO Sanny

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5 reasons for traveling on my own

5 reasons for traveling on my own

As fun as it can be to go to new cities and places with friends, I do this very rarely. Most of my friends simply do not get the same days off, don’t like the same places, or simply feel that traveling is a waste of money. Okay, I also have a bunch of friends who simply cannot afford to travel much or go far away. However, instead of staying at home all the time, I found some great reasons for me why I actually enjoy traveling alone.

1. I can go wherever I want.

I love planning my trip. I don’t want to see anything with some other guys, who tell me what I should see, when and for how long. I might find other things interesting. Advices are always welcome, but in the end, it’s my decision where to go and what to see. I honestly do not want to join a group of people, and doing a tour with them. I just enjoy to plan my own trip. At work, it is my boss telling me what to do, but when I am on vacation, I want to decide.

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2. I decide the budget.

Some can spend more money on a vacation and some less. It depends on the expenses, and on the job. I do have friends who simply cannot afford traveling over sea. I get that, but it will not keep me from going to the places I love and want to see. Life is for living, not for waiting. I worked for it, and I can decide how I spend my money. I love traveling, and seeing new places, so why should I not take the opportunity?

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3. There is no argument about the accommodation.

Some prefer the hotel, others simply need a small room with nothing but a bed. I need some comfort. I do not need a luxury hotel – and I cannot afford that anyway. On my vacation, I want to spend more money than usually, and I prefer a quiet, decent and not too cheap place. I mean, I want to enjoy my trip and bring home some wonderful memories. I can save money when I am back home again.

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4. I can plan my day.

If I want to stay in bed a bit longer, I do that. There is no rush when I am on vacation. I do not want to hurry from one place to another. I want to take time. Some of my friends need less sleep than I do. Others simply want to constantly do something and cannot sit still for too long. I honestly love sitting on a bench at a park or somewhere, and simply enjoy what I do not have while working: time. However, people are different. Certainly, two people can make an arrangement, like: One day get up early, next day stay in bed longer. But who likes such conversations?

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5. It is easier getting to know new people.

I love spending time with my friends, and when I am with them, I focus on them, mostly I only pay attention to them and not to anyone around us. It is not that easy for me starting a conversation with someone I do not know. When I travel on my own, I often simply feel to talk to people, and some even come to me and starting a conversation. That makes my trips even more special. I love to chat with locals or other travelers.

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Me in the Colloseum in Rome

I have to admit, sometimes I do feel lonely on my trips and wish I could share these moments with someone. Many friends have promised me going to places with me, when I go with them to a destination of their choice first. I did my part, but mostly they did not go to where I wanted. We simply have different desires. At least I have one friend who every now and then travels with me, and I enjoy our trips as well.

For so long I held myself back. I even hated myself for not going to the places and cities I love. I do not need anyone. I refuse to have to wait any longer. It feels good being independent. My first solo trip was to New York, followed by Malta, Los Angeles, New York again and Rome. I just came back from the Italian capital city, and had a wonderful time. Experiences, memories, that I will treasure and that no one can ever take away from me.

Have you ever traveled on your own? Please share your experiences with me in the comments.

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Thank you for reading.

If you liked that post, please show me and click the button below. I would also love to read your thoughts in the comment section. Always feel free to share my posts with your friends on Social Media. You can also find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Please also follow my page, directly on WordPress or via Email. Thank you. XO Sanny

You will never guess my greatest anxieties

You will never guess my greatest anxieties

Some are afraid of spiders or bugs, others of heights, or anything else. I am not a fan of any of those. However, there are ten things I am anxious about, and I am quite sure, you would have never guessed or maybe even thought about these. What shall I say, I am different, and unfortunately most times most people don’t understand me.

If you read my older post, you might remember that trusting people is not that easy for me. It is not only that I am afraid of them to hurt me sooner or later in which way ever, but also that I am anxious to bother, or bore them. I do not feel that I have much to say or that any interesting thing is happening in my life. I am really the worst in chit- chatting.

I am anxious being a waste of time for someone else.

I love spending time with my friends, those who I trust and know they spend time with me because they really want to. I love to entertain them, I love to tell them stories. I have always loved to listen to my friends, hear what they liked, mixed these things and created a story. Every night I was lying in bed, and when I was satisfied with my bed time story, I had something to tell the other day. I knew they would love that, and I enjoyed that people were finally listening to me, and I could put a smile on their faces.

But somehow I am anxious that they think I just love to create things in my head, instead of enjoying my actual life.

How much of me is actually me? What if I am a mixture of how I think others want me to be? When I was a teenager, I tried to fit in. I wanted to be part of a group. By listening to others and hearing what they liked, I started being interested in the same things. I wanted them to accept me, to welcome me in their group. I was afraid to tell my actual opinion on anything, when I had no clue how the other person would react to it.

I feel anxious about not being loved by others for being myself.

I love to dream, and I love to dream big. But I am constantly anxious about being judged for that. Other people have different ideas of their future. They can be happy with simple things, or just don’t aim that high. For example, I want to do a job not only for the money. I want to do something that makes me get a result and that is appreciated by others. Certainly everyone wants that, but as money is important for making a living, others seem to have less issues making compromises.

I am anxious about being unable to be truly happy with my life, and that I always want more and something better and different.

As I often have no idea what interestingly to say, I prefer listening. It is no greater joy trying to understand others and see the world through their eyes. I enjoyed the challenge even more to create a story of everything they told me they liked.

Just sometimes I am anxious to get lost in my stories and forget about myself.

When I started working at my first job, I was anxious I could not do it right. My co-workers might make fun of me, because I could not understand the simplest things – that’s what I thought very often back then.

Still when I try something for the first time, I am afraid of failing. And I am anxious others will point fingers at me for being unable doing something that is easy for everyone but me.

I stopped telling stories when I started working. People around me were telling me that being creative was solely for kids. I would not make money with it, which I was told, was the most important thing to make a decent living. By giving up on writing, I gave up a part of me, one that I actually liked and knew that was me. I love to see my friends happy, to give them something back as a thank you for spending time with me.

Just sometimes I am anxious about showing too less gratitude, and appreciation for those I care about and love the most.

I constantly strive for more. I want to improve, learn, grow, become a better version of myself. Every day is filled with so many new possibilities, and I am anxious of missing out on too many of them. Often I find myself procrastinating things that I wanna do so bad, and then I hate myself for wasting another day doing something else instead. I have so many ideas in my head, and I wish I could do them all at once.

I am anxious to waste too much time on unnecessary or less important things instead of focusing what I really need to be happy.

When I let new people into my lives, I fear I might disappoint them. I fear that I cannot show them how much they matter to me. What if I think someone can change my life and I will be disappointed because no one can change my life but myself? Do I want a change? What if I always wanted something else, and will never be satisfied and happy?

Sometimes I even fear that my fears are ridiculous, and incomprehensible.

However my greatest fear is that I will lose the people I love and miss the opportunities to show them how important they are to me, or show them too less how much I care. I am anxious that I waste too much time overthinking my anxieties and insecurities.

What are your anxieties? Can you relate to mine? Please leave me a comment.

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Thank you for reading.

If you liked that post, please show me and click the button below. I would also love to read your thoughts in the comment section. Always feel free to share my posts with your friends on Social Media. You can also find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Please also follow my page, directly on WordPress or via Email. Thank you. XO Sanny

Please let me be happy too

Please let me be happy too

Imagine you see two people holding hands. Beautiful, isn’t it? Imagine they would look at each other intensively, smile and kiss. What do you think? Is this love?

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Now imagine one of them was you. The other one was your partner, your soul mate, your best friend.

For simplicity, I refer to a male partner here. When you are into girls, just replace the pronouns in your head accordingly.

Imagine there is just you and him. How do you feel? Happy? Fulfilled? Do you feel like you are the luckiest person on the entire planet? You want to share this awesome news. You found love, and he loves you back. Winning the lottery is nothing compared to finding true love. You want to go to the movies with him, get to know him better at dinner, and you want to show everyone how happy you are. You cannot believe that you are sweeping off your feet. Before you met him, you did not even know that you could feel this way.

Now imagine someone you have never met before comes to you, telling you that you were making a huge mistake. He is telling you, your partner was wrong for you. What do you say? “What makes you think that? Does he hurt me? You know neither him nor me. And besides, it is none of your business.”

He might say he feels offended by your behavior. Will you tell him, that you are offended by his? He continues to say that you are wrong, that what you feel is not real, that this is no true love. You ask: “Do you want me to judge you for how you love? Do you want me to tell you how you can be happy? I dare to assume, you do not.”

Cats do not know any gender differences We make the differences between man and woman easy to notice. Cats and other animals don’t show their gender obviously.

Imagine you live in a beautiful house, and other people keep trying to come in, trying to drag you out. “You live in the wrong house”, they say. “But this is my home”, you answer. “This is where I am happy. This is my place to be. I am not hurting anyone by living here.” However, the other people are more than just one person, so they manage sooner or later that you leave. You live in another house now, but you miss your home. Home is where your heart is. Have you ever heard that? I am here, but my heart is over there. It is still in the other house.

Home is not a building. It is a feeling.

Why do people think they know me better than I know myself? Why do they keep telling me what is the only way to be happy, how I can be happy? We are all different. Imagine a world full of yous. There was no room for your partner. He would not exist in this world, because he is not you. Would you be happy? Some like dogs, and some like cats. Some prefer the beach and some the forest. Some love sunshine, and some the rain. There is nothing wrong loving any of these.

The man I love probably does not make you happy. But what if I would tell you, that you are loving wrong? Do you want to hear that? And do not say that it is different. Do you think you are better than me? You pretend to be interested in my happiness, when you are only interested in your own. I might be the tiny black spot that sticks out on your white paper of harmony. When you love cooking, do it. When you love singing, do it. When you love sports, go for it. Do what makes you happy. I might like different things, but that does not make me a bad person.

I hope we agree that when two people holding hands, looking at each other, smiling, and kissing, that this is love. You do not need any further details, do you? One might be white, and the other black. One might be a Jew, and the other a Christian. Maybe it was two men, or two women, or a man and a woman. Details seem to divide us, but on the inside, we are all the same. Look at these x-rays. You can say it is a human being. That is all that matters.

Being a human is the only info that matters Is this a man or a woman? Does the gender make a difference?

Yes, I do love a man. Even if I was a man or said I loved a woman, this should not make any difference. Do you want me to become a man? Should he become a woman? Would that make you feel better? Would that make you happy? Do not pretend to know me. Love equally also means that I love myself as well. It can be hard sometimes listening to the one voice within me, when too many others on the outside make such a noise. What matters is the only voice that actually knows me. I listen to my heart. And guess what: it knows what makes me happy. Happiness is a feeling. You do not learn it. You feel it. How can anyone think I do not deserve happiness? Why can other people be happy, but not me?

The other people have more voices than my heart, as I only have one, but it’s the only one that truly counts. How can it make others happy, if I was with someone they want me to be? Have you ever experienced love? Do you know how it feels? Or have you just learned the definition? I am not you, and you are not me. I do not know what makes you happy. You do not know what makes me happy. Why can you not be happy for me?

When someone tries to tell you that you are loving wrong, tell them the only wrong way to do is to not love at all. Tell this person: I know we are different. Unlike you, I would never tell anyone how to love. You think it makes you happy, when you would see me with someone else, but you do not. You do not care. You have focused on the details that you have learned. My definition is to follow my heart. I love being happy, and I do not allow you, a random stranger, to take this feeling away from me. Stealing is bad. Judging is too – unless you work and are in a court while judging.

Your heart is important! Listen and follow it! What matters is what’s inside (you:) your heart!

I love myself. And I allow myself to love who makes me happy, not who others think make me happy. He is my heart, he is my home, he is my happy place. I do not know you, but I know two things: you learned about love and follow that definition like it was a math equation with only one right solution. You like different things than I do, but on the inside we are the same. I dare to say that you want to be loved; truly, madly, deeply. I dare to say you want to be happy. Please let me be happy, too.