When I was gone

When I was gone

As a kid I was free, unknowing of what lies ahead, and unaware of all the possible consequences. As a kid my mind was free. I just did what I wanted to do. But things changed as I grew up. I learned to listen to others, to think carefully which words to use and only to speak when I was asked. I knew that it wasn’t only about me all the time. So I started to please everyone by listening to them and only contributing to a discussion when no one else was talking and it felt okay to me that maybe the others in the group would be interested in hearing my thoughts.

Often enough it was quite hard being completely sure whether someone wanted to know more about me or if she was just acting politely. I knew other kids were told the same: be nice to everyone, don’t say anything they might get wrong. Of course kids simply tell their opinions, no matter what. Kids are honest. Adults are not.

Sometimes the feel ashamed for not knowing something
Lying is a bad thing

My parents told me truth is important. But the older I got, the more I learned that it is okay to lie now and then. It is even necessary when the truth would hurt the other person. But if I get a gift which I don’t like, will I be supposed to tell that I like it? Wouldn’t that lead me to get more such kind of presents because the gift giver wants to make me happy and thinks I like it? I don’t get that. It’s not logical to me. And logic has always been my most honest friend I could rely on.

I am way more comfortable when it comes to facts, rational things simply make sense. Emotions often confuse me. They don’t follow any logic scheme. The same situation with different people leads to totally contradictory directions. When a train leaves the same station, it goes steadily to the next. It is always the same. But with people it’s the opposite. A simple smile can have so many meanings depending on the person’s mood and the situation. Is she smiling because I make her laugh, because she spends time with me, or just because she wants to be nice?

Emotions puzzle me

Every person has feelings, but everything I don’t fully understand frightens me in some way. I am curious; I love to learn about physics, chemistry, medicine, all the planets, etc. I’m maybe unable to keep all information straightly in my head, but I am fascinated about figuring out why I have the ability to walk, or how gravity works on me. I really don’t care about who’s dating who, or who moved in next door. I actually feel weak when I have to cry, and even more when it doesn’t make sense to me like when I’m watching a movie, or when I feel the world is crashing all over me.

Other people seem to have no issues, not with life, not with taking decisions or dealing with emotions. But I do. After just turning 29 and being in my last year of my twenties that is often referred to as the ‘best decade’ I focus even more on my inner child. I want to be honest. I do think of others and don’t want to hurt them, but now I think I matter too. And so does my opinion. I don’t want to hear what others think only to be able to join their opinion instead of hurting anyone in case of disagreement. I don’t want to justify my thoughts, my love, and my life. I think it’s positive that we are all so different, but only when these variations are allowed to evolve.

Seeking acceptance

I want to live fully and enjoy being meI spent most of my twenties being insecure. Back when I had my first job, I felt I had no idea of what I was doing. After school it felt like a whole new world started; taxes, bills, various forms and applications kind of stressed me out. Life was less complicated as a kid, and I didn’t feel ready for this new chapter. Why do I have to grow up? As a kid even the age of 15 felt super old and I was sure I won’t ever get there. And here I am, almost doubled that amount of years. Days, weeks, years passed by so quickly when time as a kid felt like infinity. 

I’m still young and I don’t want to waste much more time on being insecure. I want to free my mind, think less about time, focus more on the good things, and believe in open-minded and honest people. I want to inhale every moment, do what I want to do when I want to do it and be simply me. All the time I was seeking acceptance by others, because I felt so different, because I thought only I had issues and struggled with everything. I was able to see only the bad sides of me, I thought no one would actually care about me, that they’re all fooling and hurting and leaving me sooner or later anyway.

I love to spend time with my friends but it’s hard for me to open up. Like I mentioned, feelings puzzle me. Talking about this doesn’t make sense to me, but it feels good. There might be no one to read this, but writing helps me sorting my mind and don’t feel to bother anyone by forcing her to listen to me only because she was taught to be nice. I am now accepting who I am. I like what I like and I say that, and I am honest when I don’t like it without being impolite, I respect others but want to be respected by them too. Life isn’t only the icing of the cupcake, but it’s beautiful, precious and unique as long as I allow myself to live freely me.

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