Every new year people make plans, think of how they can improve their lives and get rid of bad habits. I usually made resolutions like eating more healthy, doing more sports, and meeting my friends more often. Just the typical things. This year I want to make things differently. I don’t wanna do what everyone else is doing. I was thinking of what kind of change I really need in my life. Why do I need it now? A ‘normal’ resolution doesn’t work for me, it’s too unpersonal. I am not eager enough to make them work, because it’s what I generally should do more, and maybe almost everyone, but to me New Year’s resolutions have to be more personal.
These days I feel like being back ten years ago, when I first started my first job. School had been such a safe and happy place for me – except the time when I was bullied. But I could just sit there, being barely noticed, and let the hours pass by. At work I could not hide myself anymore. I needed to do things, I could no longer just sit there and listen. I was scared that I could do something wrong. In school, my fellow students laughed at me when I said something wrong. So, I started feeling insecure. I was scared people at work would laugh at me, too, when I did something wrong. How was I able to handle working the entire day? I was so afraid of failing.
I had some times when I wanted to stop. But I knew I needed to do this. How can something seem so easy for everyone but me? Why am I the only one struggling with this? I only wanted to hide myself, shut myself off from everyone and everything. I wasn’t prepared for that change. I felt like I had been in a bubble during school. The bubble that protected me was gone now and I had to face the brutal, dark and cold world. Reality became a stranger. Reality started to make me anxious. Every day after work I was too exhausted doing anything but think. My old life was gone. No time meeting friends, all moved away and started being in relationships anyway. I was too tired to write. I was too tired to go out. I was just way too tired.
It felt that I was gone. I simply had to work. In both meanings. No one asked how I felt. It did not matter. Anyone feels that way, but no one bothers anyone with this. I never spoke to my parents, I did not want to be a burden. Not to them, not to my friends, not to anyone. So I started acting. I thought being a grown up is to be fake happy. Happiness is only for kids. Happiness is for those who believe in fairytales, who love fantasies. But that is not for grown ups. They watch horror stories. That is the closest to their lives.
I don’t see things this bad anymore. Everything has two sides. Contradictions are everywhere. I could not appreciate the good times, without being through bad times. I could not stand up and walk, if there wasn’t the force that keeps me on the ground and the other one that allows me not being glued to it like a rock. Now I know how I am, but I still feel judged too often. It seems no matter what I do, others can do it better. I tend to see the best in others and the worst in me. I am still afraid of failing. It is hard for me to trust people. Finding friends and being in a relationship is so easy for everyone but not for me. I think they all leave me anyway sooner or later. They just use me until they find someone else. They don’t really care about me. Maybe I bother them. Maybe after a while of annoying them that I want to meet up, they are only willing too, that I stop annoying them.
I don’t wanna lie: being around people often scares me. I try to put myself in situations, just go out. But I cannot think enough to find the perfect answer, like I can online. I often don’t know what to say in most situations. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I think there might be some progress in the past ten years, but I still cannot talk about random things like the weather or any gossip. I enjoy more talking about what is going on in the world, talking about science or the origin of words, development of languages. I am different. And so I often feel misunderstood, like an alien in this strange world.
This is my last half year in my twenties. In the past decade I got my first job, worked so I could afford going to college, then I went there, got my bachelor’s degree, then got a second job and a third. Now I finally have one that is permanent. The first that I actually like, because I can write, in German and in English. I can be creative, I can be me. I can handle the working world now, but I still need to learn to trust people. I used to focus on the bad things, so I could convince myself it is best staying at home, letting no one new into my life. Like in court when the lawyer focuses on the facts that supports his client. There are always two sides of everything. And everyone tends to one of them. May it be in politics, in music, in films, whatever. There are things you prefer, that is normal. Everyone has a good and a bad side. Everyone decides which one will take over most of the time.
My resolution for 2018 is to fear less. I always thought failing was a bad thing, but it isn’t. Only when I fail, I get closer to my goals. Only if I try and keep trying, believing in myself and never giving up I can make the change that I want. When I hadn’t tried keep mumbling my first words as a toddler, because I was afraid to said things wrong, I would still not be able to talk. And oh how often I fell when I did my first steps. I am thinking too often too much. I have learned that failing is the only thing that helps me to get forward in life. Why was I afraid of failing? Why was I afraid of being me? I love to learn. I love to grow. I love to improve my life. But it is not gonna happen if I keep myself from happiness only because I am afraid of failing.
Happiness is also for adults. I want to be happy. I want to be me. I don’t wanna be afraid of myself, or of what I am capable of. I can do more than I admit. I don’t wanna hide anymore, and focus on what I cannot do. Not anymore. It is hard. I need to accept that it is okay to be me, that people like me for who I am. Happiness is no fake. Love is no fake. Only when I allow myself to love and be loved, I will be happy. When I learned one thing is that I always feared of being judged by others for who I am, when in fact I was the one judging myself the most.